So the decade will be over in a couple of weeks. Well, unless you think that it ends next year because technically the millennium began in 2001. Blah blah blah. Go fuck yourself. As far as I’m concerned, it ends this year. Capiche?

With this in mind, I’ve decided to compile a list of the best films of the decade. Originally I was just going to post a Top 20, but then somehow I extended the project. It might have been my wife that persuaded me or it might have been the cat. I’m not sure.

Anyway, I’ve decided to break things down into categories/genres and from there I’ve picked my favourite films (and some of my least favourite, too). At the end of it all, the project will climax with an anti-climatic Top 20 where I’ll make all the films I’ve picked fight to the death for my amusement while wearing humiliating loin cloths. And so, beginning with thrillers, let battle commence!

Top Five Thrillers

5. Collateral


A straightforward thriller but superbly executed. Tom Cruise is always more convincing while playing an egotistical arsehole psychopath and here he plays the role with aplomb. The action is excellent and the digital photograph gives it a gritty feel. The only letdown is the ending, where everything kind of becomes formulaic. Aside from that, though – magnificent.

4. One Hour Photo


Robin Williams does creepy and turns in one of his best performances. His character further proves that there’s nothing creepier than a lonely white dude with glasses and a phallic camera (watch the scene where he’s taking pictures of the family: BOING!).

3. Memento


Yes the film is expertly made and constructed, but it’s the ending that makes the film. Lenny gives his life purpose by petulantly exploiting his illness and creating a mystery he’ll be compelled to solve. It doesn’t matter that he’s not really pursuing the truth – the mystery and the pursuit of an answer, no matter whether it’s true or not, is what will prevent Lenny from blowing his own brains out.

2. Munich


One of Spielberg’s best films, it manages to make its point without the solemn sermonising that filtered into the otherwise excellent Schindler’s List. Just take the two endings. Schindler’s List made the jarring mistake of showing survivors paying tribute to the real Schindler, while Munich unobtrusively shows the Twin Towers in the background of the final scene, subtly showing that for every action there’s a reaction. Also the action scenes are brimming with tension.

1. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer


Having had no real expectations for it, Perfume was a marvellous surprise. Exquisitely made, it’s a horrific film that is also tremendously sad and achingly romantic. The lead character uses murder to try and recapture the past while unknowingly reinforcing his meaningless existence.

Worst Thrillers

5. Disturbia


A teen rendering of Rear Window staring the plank out of Transformers. An empty, dull, predictable exercise devoid of wit or excitement. Basically everything Hitchcock’s film isn’t.

4. The Village


When a retard loves a woman, bad things happen. M Night’s film is supposed to be an interesting spin on post 9/11 paranoia, but while the idea is good and M Night shows off his technical skills (great atmosphere and camerawork), his writing once again lets him down. The twists are truly ridiculous and poorly delivered. Once again M Night promises so much and delivers so little.

3. Enough


J-Lo is a loveable waitress who quickly marries an abusive jerk. Rather than take it and do the dishes like a good wife, she decides to beat him to death. It’s like Sleeping With the Enemy with martial arts.

2. Basic Instinct 2


Has none of the guilty pleasure charm of the original (green sweaters, shaved cooters and lots and lots of grisly violence) and instead limps along like a flaccid cock desperately in need of Viagra. The only highlight is Stanley Collymore getting wanked off in a car before dying, and that’s only amusing if you know that he’s a crappy Brummie twtface kickballer who likes to punch celebrity girlfriends in the face and would deserve this fate in real life.

1. Open Water 2: Adrift


The story of a group of numbskulls who decide to jump off the side of a yacht and forget to put the ladder down so that they can get back on board. Cue an hour an a half of watching Tool Academy-style wanktoids reaching for stuff as they slowly perish in the water. It’s not half as fun as it sounds.