Shark Night

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


You know when you’re studying for a medical degree and you go off for the weekend to get hammered with some friends at their pad in a private lake in Louisiana, and then you meet some inbred locals, who are, like, ‘Fuck you, kids, and fuck you doubly hard black man because we’re racist pricks’. And you’re like, ‘Woah, that’s some fucked up Deliverance shit right there. And what was with the dude watching a toilet camera on his CCTV?!?’

But then you all start playing beer pong because sport drinking lite beer is totally awesome and not fucking lame and your female friends start changing into bikinis but they only show side boob because this got a lame PG-13 rating because the studio is fucking stupid and greedy and nipples are evil and they don’t want to restrict the demographic.

And then you’ve forgotten that there are hillbillies out there with weird-ass scars and you’re water skiing and your one and only black friend gets his arm bitten off by a shark, and you’re, like, ‘Oh shit, this fucked up shit just got fucking real!’

And then you try and get medical help so that he can get his arm stitched back on and get an NFL contract but your boat gets eaten by sharks and they eat your black friend’s girlfriend and you’re like, ‘Sheeet, we can’t tell our one and only black friend that his girlfriend got wolfed down like some Capn’ Crunch by hungry sharks!’ And then your friend tries to be all clever and not tell him but he cries and your one and only black friend finds out and cries too and goes ‘Wahhh wahhh wahhh’ like some bawling-ass motherfucker.

But then after he goes ‘Boo-hoo-hoo, boo-hoo-hoo, boo-hoo-hoo’ for a little bit, he totally mans up like a badass and makes a spear and single handedly kills a hammerhead shark and is like, ‘Who’s da man you ugly-ass motherfucker!’ But then you’re like, ‘Sheet, the shark that munched your bitch wasn’t a hammerhead, dude!’ and he’s like ‘Fuck!’

And then the inbred hick locals come back and they’re, like, ‘Woah, that’s fucked up fuckers, we’re totally sorry about being racist dickheads and we’ll take a couple of your friends to the mainland so they can get help’, and you’re, like, ‘Great, maybe you’re not such crackers after all’. But then they start acting weird on the boat and before you know it they’re feeding your friends to sharks and the sharks are jumping up at trees and your friend is, like, ‘Sheeet, I didn’t see that on Shark Week’.

And then your other friend who spray tans his dick bronze like it’s a fucking Olympic medal, tries to jetski your black friend out of this fucking fucked up shit. But then the blood from the black man’s stump attracts more sharks and your black friend is like, ‘Dude, I’m done for, I’m gonna take this one for the team, save your pretty tanned ass’ and throws himself head first into the water so that he can be a Scooby snack for those motherfucking sharks and the friend with the tanned cock is like, ‘Nooooooo! I must turn back and save you! All this musn’t be in vain!’ and he turns back and sees the sharks and is like, ‘Oh fuck, must get out of here!’ and he turns around and speeds away really fast. And he’s quicker than those stupid-ass sharks and he’s going quicker and quicker and he’s gonna make it and he’s about to do headstands and make some crotch chops. But then a massive-ass shark jumps out of the water in front of him and eats his head off and he’s like, ‘Sheeet, I didn’t see that coming’.

And then after virtually all your friends are dead, the supposedly nice guy Sheriff also turns out to be a dickbag and tries to feed you to some sharks with cameras on them so that he can sell the footage on the internet so that fat losers with no friends can masturbate to your death while eating Spaghetti O’s. And you’re, like, ‘Fuck you fucker, no way I’m appearing as a footnote on 1000 Ways to Die’ and you kick him in the water and he gets eaten and you’re, like, ‘Yeah! Take that guy from Grounded For Life!’

And then you swim to a boat with your friend and you’re, like, ‘Great, we’re safe, we’ve escaped this shitty movie’ and then in the distance a Great White shark jumps at the screen in awesome 3-D and you’re, like, ‘Sheeet, I hope this crappy-ass film didn’t make enough money for a sequel, I just wanna go home and bone my friend while her dog watches’.

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