So the decade will be over in a couple of weeks. Well, unless you think that it ends next year because technically the millennium began in 2001. Blah blah blah. Go fuck yourself. As far as I’m concerned, it ends this year. Capiche?

With this in mind, I’ve decided to compile a list of the best films of the decade. Originally I was just going to post a Top 20, but then somehow I extended the project. It might have been my wife that persuaded me or it might have been the cat. I’m not sure.

Anyway, I’ve decided to break things down into categories/genres and from there I’ve picked my favourite films (and some of my least favourite, too). At the end of it all, the project will climax with an anti-climatic Top 20 where I’ll make all the films I’ve picked fight to the death for my amusement while wearing humiliating loin cloths. And so, beginning with thrillers, let battle commence!

Top Five Thrillers

5. Collateral


A straightforward thriller but superbly executed. Tom Cruise is always more convincing while playing an egotistical arsehole psychopath and here he plays the role with aplomb. The action is excellent and the digital photograph gives it a gritty feel. The only letdown is the ending, where everything kind of becomes formulaic. Aside from that, though – magnificent.

4. One Hour Photo


Robin Williams does creepy and turns in one of his best performances. His character further proves that there’s nothing creepier than a lonely white dude with glasses and a phallic camera (watch the scene where he’s taking pictures of the family: BOING!).

3. Memento


Yes the film is expertly made and constructed, but it’s the ending that makes the film. Lenny gives his life purpose by petulantly exploiting his illness and creating a mystery he’ll be compelled to solve. It doesn’t matter that he’s not really pursuing the truth – the mystery and the pursuit of an answer, no matter whether it’s true or not, is what will prevent Lenny from blowing his own brains out.

2. Munich


One of Spielberg’s best films, it manages to make its point without the solemn sermonising that filtered into the otherwise excellent Schindler’s List. Just take the two endings. Schindler’s List made the jarring mistake of showing survivors paying tribute to the real Schindler, while Munich unobtrusively shows the Twin Towers in the background of the final scene, subtly showing that for every action there’s a reaction. Also the action scenes are brimming with tension.

1. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer


Having had no real expectations for it, Perfume was a marvellous surprise. Exquisitely made, it’s a horrific film that is also tremendously sad and achingly romantic. The lead character uses murder to try and recapture the past while unknowingly reinforcing his meaningless existence.

Worst Thrillers

5. Disturbia


A teen rendering of Rear Window staring the plank out of Transformers. An empty, dull, predictable exercise devoid of wit or excitement. Basically everything Hitchcock’s film isn’t.

4. The Village


When a retard loves a woman, bad things happen. M Night’s film is supposed to be an interesting spin on post 9/11 paranoia, but while the idea is good and M Night shows off his technical skills (great atmosphere and camerawork), his writing once again lets him down. The twists are truly ridiculous and poorly delivered. Once again M Night promises so much and delivers so little.

3. Enough


J-Lo is a loveable waitress who quickly marries an abusive jerk. Rather than take it and do the dishes like a good wife, she decides to beat him to death. It’s like Sleeping With the Enemy with martial arts.

2. Basic Instinct 2


Has none of the guilty pleasure charm of the original (green sweaters, shaved cooters and lots and lots of grisly violence) and instead limps along like a flaccid cock desperately in need of Viagra. The only highlight is Stanley Collymore getting wanked off in a car before dying, and that’s only amusing if you know that he’s a crappy Brummie twtface kickballer who likes to punch celebrity girlfriends in the face and would deserve this fate in real life.

1. Open Water 2: Adrift


The story of a group of numbskulls who decide to jump off the side of a yacht and forget to put the ladder down so that they can get back on board. Cue an hour an a half of watching Tool Academy-style wanktoids reaching for stuff as they slowly perish in the water. It’s not half as fun as it sounds.

To call Total Recall an intellectual action film would be going too far. After all, this is a film with a three-titted whore, a midget hooker and a body count only Harold Shipman could dream of. Plus it has Arnie one-liners and tons and tons of blood. But despite all this, buried underneath the sleazy, bloodstained exterior there's a smart film trying to get out. Issues of reality and identity are all dealt with. But they're never dealt with at the expense of someone getting their head blown off.

Watching it back, it's quite pleasing to remember just how violent action films used to be. Here you have men getting spiked in the neck, people getting axed and a man getting a pole of some sort shoved through his face. And that's just in one scene. The violence here is bloody and over the top, and in my opinion, much better for it. I mean, action films these days have become rather sanitised. There's just a feeling that you've seen it all before. But how many times do you get to see a man have his arms ripped off as he dangles from a lift? And how many times do you get to see that and have Arnie toss the arms away while delivering a quip?

And then there's the bit where Michael Ironside shoots the three-titted whore in the back. Beautiful. I mean, this is meant to be a bad, bad man. And what better way to generate loathing (and secret admiration) than have him shoot a mutant hooker while her back is turned.

But one of the most delightful bits of insane violence is when the midget whore stabs Ironside's lackey. You have to ask yourself whether you're shrooming your tits off. But no, it happens and then the midget stands on top of the bar and opens fire with a machine gun. Verhoeven is clearly a twisted man-mental, but I can't help but admire him.

Also worthy of praise is the shootout on the subway. Arnie is fleeing from the bad guys and tries to haul ass up the escalators. But more bad guys appear at the top. As everyone starts shooting, an innocent person gets killed in the crossfire. Arnie then uses the bloke as a human shield – he gets penetrated more times than a pretty boy in a prison shower – and tosses the piece of meat into the path of the bad guys below. I can't help but salute the complete utter lack of sentiment.

I also salute the fight between Arnie and Sharon Stone. I mean, usually fights between women and men in action films are death – yeah, I can believe than an anorexic model can hurt a man double her size – but it at least keeps things relatively believable by having Stone hit Arnie a couple of times in his brain (his testicles). But what makes it a joy is that after the fight, Stone tries to buy some time by offering to tie herself up and let Arnie have his way with her. You know, for old times sake. It's something of a surprise that Der Gropenfuhrer doesn't take her up on her generous offer, but Arnie does knock her out…which is even better.

And there's another bit of violence that cracks me up. The evil mutant Benny, in some sort of digging machine, is attacking Arnie. Arnie then grabs a huge drill and rams it through the side of the vehicle while screaming "Screw you!" at the top of his lungs. It's one of the few bits of possible homoeroticism in a film that is remarkably ungay for an Arnie flick.

But there is another little bit of possible gayness in the film. Just take the relationship between Hauser (Arnie's evil alter-ego) and Cohaagen (Ronny Cox). They hug enthusiastically in a video message and then Cohaagen has a big strop when he finally realises that Hauser isn't coming back – he kicks a tank of goldfish over. It seems like he's lost more than a friend.

But Ronny Cox is excellent in the film. Sure he's basically playing the same character he played in RoboCop, but he always makes an excellent villain. And I love the scene where he's going to have Quaid turned back into Hauser and have Melina 'fixed'. His dialogue with Arnie is wonderful. "You get to fuck her every night, that's right. She's going to be Hauser's babe." And then when asked what to do with all the people that are suffocating because he's cut off the air, he replies, "Fuck 'em." That's a proper movie villain.

However, I don't think the film is in the same class as RoboCop. For one, Total Recall now looks rather dated (look at the 'futuristic' cars) while RoboCop seems pretty timeless, and plus the balance between smarts and action is a bit more even in RoboCop.

But that's not to say that Total Recall is a dumb film. One of the obvious pleasures is trying to work out whether the whole thing is a dream or not. After all, when Quaid goes to Rekall to have his 'ego trip' everything the salesman says in his pitch actually happens – the whole plot is given away in one scene. And then at the end you have a white out rather than a fade to black. This could suggest that Quaid is waking up or even being lobotomised. But although it's something that's pleasing to think about, the film is more concerned about action than ideas. And so that makes the film a minor success rather than an overwhelming success like RoboCop.