The trouble with the American Dream is that everyone wants a piece of it. No one is happy to sit back and be content with his or her lot in life. Just take Rocky's accountant - he embezzles the Italian Stallion's millions and Rocky becomes a peasant again. He’s back to where he was in the first film – on the cold Philadelphia streets, trying to make ends meet.

Rocky V is obviously an attempt to recapture the feeling of the first film. Gone is the glitz of the third and fourth entries and back is a supposedly gritty, realistic depiction of the fight game. But try as it might to recapture past glories, this is a truly terrible film. The drama isn’t convincing at all and it doesn’t even work as a guilty pleasure. Every element that made the series enjoyable has been drained out and shat onto the sidewalk. Where are the 15 round boxing fights where 95% of the punches are head shots? Where are the homoerotic training montages (the only overt hint of gayness being a moment where we see Rocky using bubbles to help train Tommy Gunn)? Where is the knuckleheaded soft rock music? All of it is gone.

The story picks up immediately where Rocky IV left off. Rocky has defeated Ivan Drago and now wants to go home. But although a lingering shot of Stallone’s naked ass reassures us that his delicious body is in good shape, the man himself can’t stop shaking. And to make matters worse, when his wife tries to console him, he calls her Mickey. Look, Rocky, I know your wife has a guy’s name, but she doesn’t look the least bit like a Mickey, especially as you associate that name with a short, crinkly Jew.

Even more disconcerting is the fact that in the space of a few hours, everyone suddenly ages. In Rocky IV, Adrian was still quite attractive. Here, though, she looks old and tired, like the Siberian winds of the fourth film have sucked all the moisture out of her. And then you have Rocky’s son, Rocky Junior, who seems to have gone through puberty overnight. Who knows, maybe the excitement of watching his father get fisted by Ivan Drago for 15 rounds made his balls drop in an instant. And then you have Rocky who suddenly seems to look past it. The only one who doesn’t seem to have changed in the one day that transpires between the end of the fourth film and the start of this one is Uncle Paulie. Apparently booze and misanthropy are the key to staying young.

One of the most worrying things about this film is that it briefly shows Rocky’s attitude to sex. After arriving home, Rocky tells Adrian that he’s going to ‘Violate her like a parking meter’ with his teenage son standing a few inches away. That’s just nasty. And then there’s a scene where Rocky is looking at his son’s drawings. Among them he finds a drawing of his son’s teacher. It’s a topless drawing and the tits are colossal. And when I mean colossal, I mean that if the drawing were a true reflection of the size of his teacher’s tits, they’d have their own gravitational pull. The woman apparently has moons under her top. But Rocky knows that boys are boys and that they love breasts. Therefore he doesn’t reprimand him. He’s probably just glad that he didn’t find a drawing of Apollo Creed sprouting a three-foot boner. Or secretly disappointed...

But even though Rocky professes to love his son, he can never be fully committed to him, especially when a buff young kid called Tommy Gunn turns up. I’m sorry son, but a skinny little thing like you isn’t going to be able to capture the attention of Rocky like a beautifully mulleted pugilist is.

Tommy Gunn has surely got to be one of cinema’s most heinous creations. Not only is his mullet visual rape, but he’s basically a big baby, too. At the beginning he tries to prove himself by knocking a sparring partner out – they’re not supposed to be fighting for reals. And then when Rocky becomes his trainer and he starts to win fights, he throws a hissy fit when he sees a newspaper cartoon basically saying that he’s Rocky’s puppet. Okay, that’s annoying, but there’s no need to suddenly hate the man who helped you. And then once he’s screwed Rocky over and joined forces with the dastardly George Washington Duke (a promoter in the Don King mould), he begins showing off his new car, his new clothes and his new girlfriend. And sure his girlfriend is a hot piece of ass with big tits, but the way he slobbers over her is embarrassing. Yes he’s from Oklahoma and this is probably the first woman he’s slept with – in the past I imagine he fucked pigs and piles of cow shit – but there’s no need to be such a child.

But the worst Tommy Gunn moment is when he finally wins the World Title. At the press conference he cheers and whoops like Kurt Angle on crack, but when he doesn’t get the respect he feels he deserves, he storms off and begins kicking stuff. Okay, so maybe it’s too much to expect a nuanced performance in a Rocky film, but I ended up wishing that Tommy Morrison genuinely did have HIV so that any chance of a Tommy Gunn sequel was definitely laid to rest.

A more enjoyable character is George Washington Duke. As previously mentioned, he’s basically Don King – he’s black, he has big glasses and he’s always pissing words out of his mouth. And so he’s on a mission to get Rocky to fight and to make some money. Cue him appearing at Rocky’s press conference after the Drago fight (I love the way that in Rocky films bad guys turn up at press conferences after Rocky is victorious – the conveyor belt approach to introducing villains is exactly like professional wrestling; once the champion is victorious, he must be given no time to rest). He tries to grab Rocky’s attention but Adrian says that he’s retired now. Silly woman. But Duke is persistent. He says things like, ‘It’s time to put some hustle behind that muscle’ and even gets Rocky kind of interested in another fight. But then like a bad penny, Adrian turns up and says no – she really is annoying in this film; yeah you love Rocky and you don’t want him to get further brain damage, but really, where’s the fun in that for me.

Thankfully, though, Duke helps inspire a Tommy Gunn/Rocky Balboa street fight. And although the fight itself is tedious – it wants to be gritty, but it ends up playing like a second rate hardcore wrestling match what with its use of trash cans and chainlink fences – it’s worth it for the moment where Rocky confronts Duke. ‘Touch me and I’ll sue’ says the smug bastard. And then Rocky knocks him out and says, ‘Sue me for what?’

But even though this is meant to be some kind of big victory, it fails to generate any lasting excitement. The film is a hollow, soulless enterprise. And the final scene where Rocky bonds with his son and gives him an earring that looks like a chandelier is plain embarrassing.

But worse than this, the film also bastardises previous Rocky films. There’s a flashback scene where Rocky gets advice from Mickey. Bathed in an ethereal glow, the old trainer spews words of wisdom and then tells Rocky that he’s his reason for living. And then he says that when he’s down, he should hear Mickey shouting, ‘Get up you son of a bitch, because Mickey loves you’. Since when did Mickey become cute and cuddly? He was always a bit of a bastard, a slightly malevolent Jewish Yoda, not some lovesick puppy. It’s things like this, the second rate ways of trying to update the Rocky formula, that makes the film the mammoth failure it is.

The whole plot of Rocky IV could be put on the back of a potage stamp – Apollo dies; Rocky seeks revenge. Nothing else happens. None of the characters change. Well, aside from Apollo, but he only changes because he snuffs it. But despite the fact that the film is wafer thin and deeply dumb, I still can't help but love Rocky IV. It's so bad it's fucking brilliant.

One of the funniest things about Rocky IV is the fact that it's basically just one big music video – it should have been renamed Rocky: The Musical. Honestly, watch the film. Whenever a bit of character development is called for another music video kicks in. Oh, Apollo's dead? We'll have a music video of Rocky moodily driving his car (while not taking any notice of the road). Oh, Rocky's got to go to Russia? We'll have shots of Russian soldiers and we'll play some pop song about two worlds colliding ("Two worlds collide, rival nations."). Oh, we've got to contrast the two fighters' training methods? We'll have some thinly veiled gay porn where we see endless shots of ripped torsos and bulging muscles. It's absolutely brilliant.

But as much as I like the intense homoeroticism of the training (I dig Rocky's bear beard), the 'There's No Easy Way Out' video is probably my favourite. It's hilarious. As mentioned above, it involves Rocky driving about while not looking at the road (it's kind of like Miami Vice where Don Johnson would brood in his car while listening to Phil Collins). But more than that, it involves flashbacks from all the previous Rocky movies (it's blatantly obvious that the whole scene is a cheap time-filler). And because Apollo has just died, most of the flashbacks focus on Creed. Cue tons of homoerotic imagery: the two fighting, the two hugging in the surf in short shorts and the two dancing in front of a mirror while waxed within an inch of their lives. It's obvious that Rocky is pining for more than just a lost friend.

However, as much as it pains me to admit it, I have to say that Creed had it coming (his death, that is). He's cocky in his press conference, he calls Drago a ‘chump’, he dresses as Uncle Sam, he's backed by James Brown and he confuses the poor Russian with dancing girls and flashing lights. No wonder Drago kills him. He's over stimulated and he's appalled at the decadence of American society. He just has to destroy it. "You vill lose."

And I have to say that I love the way that the Russian characters are portrayed. First of all you've got Drago: he's a robot. Then you've got Drago's wife, played by Brigitte Nielsen: she looks like Drago's brother (I'm sure she's got a moustache in this film). Then you've got the zealous commie manager: he's manipulative, disingenuous and a whiner – there's one bit where he goes, "You are the aggressor!" and there's another bit when he storms out of a press conference after theatrically throwing his hand up and saying, "We go!" And then you've got the lovable peasants that Rocky helps out when he's training. You see, they're not all bad! Rocky proves that we were right not to nuke them.

But even Drago really isn't that bad a person. At the end he proves that he's merely a pawn of the degenerate, atheist commie scumbags that run the Soviet Union – he grabs his manager by the throat and lifts him in the air, saying that he just wants to fight. Like Rocky, he's just a warrior. But what future there is for a man who gets beaten by an Italian-American midget, I don't know.

And the fight itself is brilliantly ridiculous. Not only do both boxers take about a million punches to the head, but they also do a couple of wrestling moves. Oh, and there's one bit when Drago grabs Rocky by the throat and punches him in the face after the bell has rung. Magnificent.

Quite how Rocky remains lucid enough to make a grand speech at the end, though, is anyone's guess. But somehow he does and, man, what a speech. "Here were two guys killing each other. But I guess that's better than twenty million. What I'm trying to say is that if I can change and you can change; everybody can change." Crowd roars, Gorbachev look-a-like applauds, the Iron Curtain is torn down and the world is united by a punchy half-wit with a speech impediment. God bless America.

But there are a couple of other things I have to mention. The first is that Rocky running up a mountain and screaming "Drago!" is genius (I was ready to fight fifteen rounds myself after watching that). The second is that one of Apollo's nicknames is 'The Count of Monte Fisto' (who says the film is gay?). And the third is that as much as I love the film, the robot is absurd. There's one bit when it interrupts a serious scene (Apollo is telling Rocky that he's coming out of retirement). Suddenly it appears, playing music, and then, in a girl's voice (before it spoke in a robot voice), it tells Paulie that he's the greatest. Has Paulie reprogrammed it? Is he secretly good with computers? And what does he get up to with it behind closed doors? The mind boggles. But then, hilariously, after this moronic interlude, the serious scene continues as if nothing's happened. The film throws reality out of the window.

Having said that, though, who needs reality when you have Rocky IV? I mean, moaning about a robot seems churlish when you're watching Rocky Balboa single-handedly end the Cold War. I'm more than content to just sit back and laugh at the wonderful absurdity of it all.

If there's one thing America loves, it's a sequel. It's more American than apple pie and shooting up a church with an assault rifle. And so therefore, despite Apollo Creed's statement to Rocky in the first film that there wouldn't be a rematch, and contrary to Rocky's assertion that he didn't want one, you knew it had to happen.

Although, to be fair, Rocky does do his best to avoid getting back in the ring. He tries to capitalise on his fame and make some money through advertising. Cue some amusing scenes where the mumbling, illiterate Rocky tries and fails to read writing from dummy cards as he attempts to sell crappy 70s cologne that you know smells about as good as monkey piss. But I guess it doesn't help that Rocky has to do this while being berated by an effete, beret-wearing director and while dressed as a caveman. He looks like a gay Barney Rubble. "In the morning I splash it on and it makes me smeel manly." Even while being unable to read the word 'smell', Rocky knows he's spewing lies.

After this failure to crack the entertainment world, Rocky decides he can make it as an office worker...even though he has no qualifications, no experience and no brains that we know of. He just wants a job where he can sit down and no longer be pounded repeatedly in the face. It's not much to ask. But unfortunately Rocky gets turned down by every employer, who are no doubt not only horrified by Rocky's lack of credentials but by his hideous light blue suit as well.

After this, Rocky gets a job at a meat plant. It falls a long way short of Rocky's aspirations, but he needs the money, seeing as he's knocked up Adrian. You see how you've debased this great fighter, woman? He has to carry lumps of raw meat around to pay the mortgage and to provide for his family.

Although it has to be said that Adrian makes sacrifices, too - she has to go back to the pet store she worked at, seeing as fuckwit Rocky bought a house he couldn't really afford and they need to pay the mortgage. Times are hard.

But the early scenes where Rocky thinks he'll be living a life of plenty are hilarious. We see Rocky spending money on pure shit that he thinks is the dog's bollocks. He buys horrible gold watches, a hideous jacket with a tiger on the back, a dog collar that he puts around his wrist (you can almost see Adrian vomit in her mouth at the sight of it) and a car that he can't drive. And he then buys a house, mumbling like an idiot all the way through the showing. 'I like this mailbox. These numbers almost add up to nine. I like that. That's a good omen.' Ah, Rocky. You fucking imbecile.

But Rocky's also loveable. He asks Adrian to marry him while they visit the zoo. He proposes by asking whether she's doing anything for the next 30 or 40 years. Awww. And then when they get married, one of Rocky's pals asks him whether he wants to invest in condominiums. Rocky replies that he never uses them. (Get it?!?)

However, this condom-ignorance leads to Adrian's pregnancy. And what a world it was back in the 70s when men were men and they waited patiently outside at the doctors while their spouse was told whether they were knocked up. None of this being told together crap. None of this sharing malarkey. We're pregnant? No Adrian, you're pregnant. You're the one who's got something gestating inside you.

But the gender issues exhibited in the film are another source of hilarity. Adrian is appalled at the idea of Rocky getting back in the ring, so Rocky comes out with this nugget: 'I never asked you to stop being a woman, so please don't ask me to stop being a man.' Me man. Me club. Me beat. You woman. You wash dishes.

But what's up with these damn women? This Adrian bird tries to domesticate Rocky. She tries to protect him and she encourages him to get a decent job. But Rocky fails and makes a fool of himself. Damn Adrian has cut his nuts off! Not long ago Rocky was standing toe to toe with the champion of the world. The next thing you know he's collecting spit buckets. And worse than that, he's meant to be happy about it. But eventually Rocky breaks. He realises that he was meant to fight. That's what he does best.

But what about Apollo's motivation for getting back in the ring? Well, his problems are different. Thankfully he has a wife who, most of the time, shuts the fuck up and does what she's told, but unfortunately he has people berating him for his performance against Rocky. Even from people as far away as London. One person sends him the following letter: 'You call yourself the champ? You're a fake. The fight was a fake. Go kill yourself.' I don't know about you, but I personally think that's the best letter in the history of the world. In four pithy lines it says everything that needs to be said. There's not one wasted word.

Although, like Rocky, Apollo occasionally has to put up with the wisdom of the missus. She asks him why he can't just ignore it. She asks him why he doesn't just play with his children. Shut up woman! Don't you know what it's like to be a man? Why would you want to play Hungry Hungry Hippos with your kids when you could beat the shit out of another man for loads of money?

One of the funniest scenes in the film is right at the beginning. Apollo berates Rocky from a wheelchair at the hospital. Okay, it doesn't sound so great on paper. But when you consider the fact that every other word from Apollo's lips is 'chump', it suddenly achieves greatness.

But even at this early point in the film, Mickey knows the score. He knows Rocky needs to fight. But the road to Rocky's epiphany is mighty long. We even have to suffer through a pregnancy scare which saps Rocky's motivation. Rather than train he sits with his wife and reads poetry. And schmuck that I am, I found Rocky's reading rather sweet. Goddammit, the first film is a fairy tale and this one is a soap opera.

But eventually the inconsiderate Adrian wakes from her coma and tells Rocky to win. It's an incredibly hokey moment, but that's what Rocky is all about. Therefore, if you're anything like me, you end up grinning like a loon and almost start clapping in your seat.

Apparently, in order to beat Apollo, Rocky needs to get speed. But not just regular speed. He needs demon speed. That's the speed he needs. Greasy fast speed. And in order to do this he needs to chase a chicken (?!?). Cue Mickey berating him when he can't catch it and yelps of joy (with a chicken feather behind the trainer's ear no less) when he finally does. It's here that you can see reality floating away into the distance. But it's bliss.

I particularly enjoy the way that Rocky hammers scrap metal in order to train. Quite what the point of this is other than to look really cool, I'm not sure, but it works. And then rather than run anonymously through the streets like he used to, Rocky is now chased by loads of children. In order to impress them he hurdles benches and then sprints really fast, leaving everyone in his wake except for one fat blighter who manages to stay with him for a nanosecond. But being the nice bloke that he is, he lets them catch up for the shadow boxing at the top of the steps that lead to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Instead of a solitary moment of joy to celebrate a small personal achievement, it's now a collective celebration of a future asskicking.

The fight here is even further removed from reality than the first film. The boxers pummel each other constantly and there's no sign of them guarding or trying to defend themselves. But on the plus side, Apollo calls Rocky 'chump' after knocking him to the mat, so it's all good.

The silliest part of the fight is when Rocky and Apollo stand toe to toe in the final round and just tiredly begin punching each other in the face. One after the other they tiredly throw and land head shots, and yet they still take it. But then Rocky begins hitting Creed in the gut, so hard by the way, that he's almost lifted from his feet, and then finally the Italian Stallion floors the champion. However, Rocky goes down too. From here it's a race for both characters to get to their feet. It's something that I've never seen in boxing, and to be honest it stretches the final shred of credibility that the film has, but nevertheless it's a great moment when Rocky stands up and wins. It just goes to show that when you ignore the advice of your wife, you can achieve great things.

When you've spent so long watching the ridiculous (but glorious) excesses of Rocky III and Rocky IV, you kind of forget how down to earth the original film is. To be sure it can't exactly be called gritty, as it's something of a grown-up fairytale, but at least it has its feet somewhere near the real world.

The film starts with Rocky fighting in some fleapit. He doesn't really seem to give a shit. He's not trying. But then near the end, his opponent, the fabulously named Spider Rico, headbutts him. This gives him the eye of the tiger and he knocks the guy out. When he's motivated, Rocky has it in him to achieve great things.

But how do you summon that will when your life is so pitiful? Rocky lives in a nasty apartment ('It stinks!'), works as a small-time heavy for a local crook, trains at a shitty gym, walks the cold, miserable streets of Philadelphia and awkwardly tries to woo the shy Adrian at the local pet store. It's not much of an existence.

One of the best scenes is when Mickey comes crawling to Rocky at the Italian Stallion's apartment asking to train him. Previously Mickey has considered Rocky nothing more than a bum and has even thrown all his stuff out of his locker. But with the World Heavyweight Champion Apollo Creed picking Rocky as his next opponent in a gimmicky New Year's bout, Mickey tries to get a piece of the action. He spends lots of time selling himself, telling Rocky about his experiences years ago as a boxer – how his face got punctured with nails one time. He even shows Rocky pictures. But all the time Rocky can't even look at him, and when Mickey is showing him his photo, he plays darts. It's quite a cruel scene, although you can understand Rocky's anger. Like he says, he needed Mick's help ten years ago.

But the scene gets even crueller. As Mickey is talking, Rocky goes to the toilet. Mickey speaks to the door and mentions that he's 76-years-old. We realise that this is his last chance at a title fight. But with Rocky still in the toilet, Mickey goes to leave the apartment. But as he's doing so, apparently thinking he's already gone, Rocky emerges from the loo. However, seeing that Mickey is still there, he turns around and walks back in. It's a real punch in the balls and we finally see how vulnerable Mickey is. And then when Mickey is walking down the stairs Rocky rants and raves about how his apartment stinks. It's actually an excellent piece of acting from Stallone and it's the one time that Rocky acts like a bastard – even when he's trying to collect money as a heavy he's still pretty damn nice. But Rocky can't be mean for long and chases after Mick to presumably say sorry and ask him to be in his corner – filmed in a long shot, there's an excellent detail when Rocky finally catches up to the trainer; before Rocky embraces him, Mickey backs away like he's frightened. Despite how loud he is, he's still only a frail old man.

Another fabulous scene is the one at the ice rink. Yes it's goofy, but that's part of Rocky's charm. He's a loveable innocent, always talking and always dispensing incoherent advice. He even says that he and Adrian make a fine couple, what with him being dumb and her being shy – as Rocky puts it, they fill gaps; they make up for each other's shortcomings. And their scenes are always sweet and well performed – you believe in them.

There's only one scene where things turn a bit queasy and that's the scene where Rocky takes Adrian back to his place. Rocky shows off his muscles by stripping down to a wifebeater vest and Adrian mentions that she's never been alone in a man's apartment before. You kind of feel scared for the poor girl, what with this horny beefcake relentlessly coming onto her. The loveable Rocky suddenly seems a bit pushy and predatory. But eventually everything works out. However, in a later scene, the tables are turned. Rocky's training for his title fight and Adrian wants some sweet loving. She keeps on pestering the guy, determined to ruin his chances of performing well in his fight. I mean, as Mickey says, 'Women weaken legs.' Therefore Rocky has to briefly push her away – she can make up for her many cockless years after the fight.

The fight itself is what you'd expect from a Rocky film: enjoyable but silly. Sure it doesn't descend into the cartoon brutality of the later films, but you still have men pounding each other mercilessly for 15 rounds (boxers were real men in the 70s – none of this 12 rounds bullshit). But even though it can't compare to the fights in Raging Bull or subsequent boxing films, the ending is hard to beat. Rocky manages to stand toe to toe with the champion and not humiliate himself, and by refusing to stay down when he gets knocked to the floor in the 14th round he finally proves his self-worth. Yeah he doesn't win the fight but he regains his self-respect, which is a major victory in itself.

And the ending with Rocky and Adrian embracing, and with the image paused at the greatest moment of Rocky's life, sweeps you off your feet and puts a massive smile on your face. Yes the Rocky films would subsequently go off into la-la land and any notion of reality would be smashed in the face, but at that moment the love of a good woman and the restoration of a man's spirit is a bigger victory than winning a boxing title. Of course Rocky didn't deserve to triumph over Taxi Driver at the Oscars, but I don't begrudge him his victory too much. Rocky is an underdog tale that wins you over with hard work and good old-fashioned working class charm.

The Dark Knight is an improvement on Batman Begins, but it’s not the giant leap that people would have you believe. It has too many flaws. The final sequence, for example, is a gigantic mess. Every attempt is made to ensure that it’s exciting, but the editing is all over the place and its not even clear what’s going on.

Then there’s Two-Face. What a horribly tedious creation he is. Basically his girlfriend gets killed and he goes a bit nuts and then he goes on a killing spree. Sounds kind of interesting, doesn’t it? It’s not. The stuff with Harvey Dent previous to this is enjoyable, but Two-Face himself sucks the life out of the movie. And that’s probably because it’s over too quickly. All Two-Face gets to do is whine, toss his little coin and then fall out of a building. It’s over in a flash and you’re left wondering why create this villain at all if you’re going to do so little with him.

And the make-up and CGI for his disfigured face is abysmal. The film goes to such lengths to create a realistic environment for these fantastical characters that the cartoony effects stick out like a sore thumb. I can remember reading somewhere that Nolan thought that a realistically scarred face would look too horrific, but he could have at least gone for something that didn’t look like it was on an anatomy page in Encarta. It's thoroughly distracting and completely out of place. Whenever he appeared I could only think 'Crap CGI. Crap CGI.' And I'm not quite sure why Nolan suddenly got squeamish about having realistic effects. So we can have a mobile phone stitched into a man's body and have it explode, and we can have people tortured, but he thinks that some realistic scarring would be too horrific? It's by far the biggest misstep.

A smaller distraction was Batman’s cowl. It has a very weird shape, like Bale’s head is the teat on the end of a condom, albeit it a black condom with bat ears. It’s nowhere near as good as Keaton’s costume in Batman Returns.

And like Keaton, Bale does that strange voice thing where it sounds like he’s been chugging gravel. But unlike some people, this didn’t distract me. How else is Batman supposed to talk? Is he supposed to talk in his normal Bruce Wayne voice? That would be awfully intimidating, wouldn’t it? And it would be a great way of hiding his identity. But although I find the Batman voice perfectly logical, there was once or twice where Bale suddenly started lisping. In these instances he became rather camp.

It’s mind-numbingly predictable to point to Heath Ledger’s performance as the highlight, but it’s most certainly true. His Joker makes Nicholson’s look like a slightly eccentric, rather cuddly uncle. Ledger blows him out of the water. The best thing about Ledger’s Joker is that there’s no reasoning with him. He just wants to play his games and have fun. However, he has a very strange sense of fun. Fun for him is playing with the Batman and turning Gotham’s citizens into criminals. He’s a guy that gets nothing out of money. Therefore it’s impossible to squeeze him.

The only problem with this is that it weakens Batman’s character. You go through the whole of Batman Begins to establish how strong he is and suddenly you castrate him. In this film he’s remarkably impotent. And I should also point out that the Joker is smart to a ridiculous degree. His plans are incredibly complicated and they all go off like clockwork.

But that being said, the character is still enormous fun. One of my favourite Joker moments has to be the pencil trick. And what about poor Brian the fake Batman? Not only does he get to star in his own video, but he also gets to smash into the Mayor’s window. Nice. But there’s also the bit where the Joker turns up as a nurse. I loved the smile he gave Two-Face. And I like the fact that Nolan makes the Joker reprehensible enough to blow up a hospital.

But this is child’s play compared to the Joker’s plan to blow up Harvey Dent and Rachel Dawes at the same time. He makes Batman choose which one to save and then Commissioner Gordon goes after the other one. Naturally, Batman goes after his old squeeze Rachel, but the Joker plays a trick on him and the location he’s given is Dent’s. So therefore just before Rachel dies she gets to hear that her beloved Bruce Wayne has ‘chosen’ to save Dent and that he’s forsaken her, making her last few moments on the planet extra miserable. And Dent gets to hear his love’s final few moments and gets to feel the guilt of being saved. You’ve got to admire how wonderfully twisted the Joker is and how easily he has everyone wrapped around his little finger.

But it’s also the small moments that make Ledger’s performance great. I like it when he arrives at Bruce Wayne’s party, looking for Harvey Dent. He begins interrogating the guests and grabs a bald guy by the head, asking him if he’s seen the DA. The guy doesn’t respond and the Joker widens his eyes and goes, ‘No.’ It’s a great bit of acting. And I also loved it when he sarcastically applauds Gordon’s promotion.

The rest of the cast don’t get to have anywhere near as much fun, but they all do a good job. Bale is solid as always, as is Caine, Freeman and Oldman, and Maggie Gyllenhaal is a massive improvement over Katie Holmes. But better than all of these is Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent. He’s cocky but believably decent as the incorruptible DA, and like Bruce Wayne you’re seduced by him. But while you feel that the film is building up to something special with his tragedy as Two-Face, it never happens. Suddenly the script lets Eckhart down and his fall provides zero emotion. There’s just not enough time invested in it. Plus all he goes on about is Rachel. 'My Rachel!' 'My Rachel!' Shut the fuck up.

Fortunately, though, there are many wonderful distractions to ensure that you don’t dwell too hard on this disappointment. The action, for instance, is superb. And once again Nolan excels with a wonderful car chase. The sequence where the Joker is trying to get his hands on Dent is marvelous. With its use of a juggernaut and other heavy vehicles, it reminded me of the chase at the end of T2. And I really dug the Batpod. And then there’s the opening bank heist. Nolan has said that he was inspired by Heat and it really does capture the same sort of feeling. It’s not quite as epic, but it’s a fantastic bit of cinema. Everything from the amazing stunt that opens the film to the school bus crashing through the bank works a treat.

However, my favourite bit in the whole film is a very small moment. Right after the Joker escapes from police custody we briefly see him hanging his body out of a squad car. There’s no sound and the music is no more than a hum, but it’s incredibly cinematic and says more about the character than almost anything else could. This is what makes the Joker’s life worth living; running rings around other people and playing games with them.

And Nolan must also be commended for some of the film’s subtext. The Joker’s videos kind of resemble the sorts of things Al Qaeda would make and the whole film asks how far would you go to try and re-establish control. Do you destroy everything you believe in just so that things can be the way they used to be? Of course this is the crisis that America faces where civil liberties are eroded in order to try and make the country ‘safer’. The Dark Knight just takes it to an extreme.

So while Nolan must be commended for the ambition of the project and for most of the film’s execution, it’s by no means the instant masterpiece it’s been touted as. Yes it’s the best Batman film that’s been made, but it’s not even close to being the best film of all time (IMDb Top 250 rot in hell).