‘I love your wall.’

No, I love your wall. And I love your big, freaky head and your crazy songs. You’re awesome Frank.

When I was a kid, there was a television character called Frank Sidebottom. He had a broad Northern accent and he would play the banjo and he would conduct interviews in his shed. He also had a huge papier mache mask. It was incredibly weird and cartoonish. The eyes kind of looked like something out of an anime and the hair looked like it was coloured in with felt pen. It was incredibly bizarre and I didn’t quite understand it.

I hadn’t thought about Frank for several years and then he turned up in the movie Filth. James McAvoy’s character imitates Frank Sidebottom when making dirty phone calls to the wife of a friend. And then, weirdly enough, Frank got his own film.

It was amazing to me that Michael Fassbender got cast as Frank. Fassbender is a massive sex symbol and Frank is, well, a freak. A kindly, well intentioned freak, but a freak nonetheless.

The Frank in this movie deviates from the previous incarnation, in that he’s an American and he’s the leader of an experimental synth band. Gone is the broad Northern accent and the banjo, but it doesn’t matter. This movie is lots and lots of fun.

The story centers around Jon (Domhall Gleeson), a young, aspiring songwriter. The movie begins with the protagonist desperately trying to write a song. His lyrics describe the things that he sees as he walks around, and the song is pretty terrible. We then see him struggling in his room to write melodies. Just as he thinks he’s stumbled upon something great, he realises that he’s playing a Madness song. This is a kid that hasn’t found his creative voice yet and who is desperately lacking inspiration.

One day, as Jon is hanging out near the beach, he sees a man trying to drown himself. It turns out that the man is a keyboard player for a band that’s in town. Jon ends up talking to one of the band members and before he knows it, he’s invited to play keyboards for a gig that night.

The gig is suitably weird. Jon turns up with the show already beginning and with an empty keyboard waiting. Frank then walks out, slapping a cymbal as he strides in (a little detail that cracked me up) and then proceeds to sing a song about soup. Jon kind of stares in disbelief but then begins to get into it, the allure of the bright lights too much for him to resist. Finally he belongs to something.

Well, kind of.

Even though Jon loves being part of the band, he faces hostility from most of the members. There are two French players who basically ignore him and then there’s Clara (Maggie Gylenhaal), the theremin player, who’s openly hostile. They know that this guy has no place in the band, that’s he’s just some sad guy desperate to belong to something, desperate for fame, but innocent Frank only sees goodness in him.

Have I mentioned yet that Frank never takes his mask off, no matter what? Yep, no matter what he does, he keeps it on. There’s one hilarious moment when Jon, who’s desperate to see Frank without his mask, goes into Frank’s room and sees the mask on the floor. Finally, I’m going to see what he really looks like, you can imagine him saying to himself. He then goes into the bathroom and is confronted with the sight of Frank showering with a plastic bag on his head. He’s wearing another mask. He has multiples.

At first you think that the band are being unnecessarily mean to Jon, but as the film progresses, you begin to realise that he’s the poisonous element of the group. He posts videos of the band on YouTube, he blogs and he tweets. This social media presence is meant to promote the band, but it ends up turning them into a joke. And Jon is all too willing to capitalise on this.

After completing an album, the band travels to America for a music festival. Frank can’t handle his newfound fame and the group disintegrates. Eventually only Frank and Jon remain. Frank is a nervous wreck but Jon drags him onto the stage and they end up performing a song that Jon wrote. At the beginning of the performance, Jon states that it’s the greatest day of his life but it quickly turns into a nightmare, as Frank collapses on the stage, mumbling that the music is shit.

Some people have criticised the final act of the film but I think it’s excellent. Jon is a hack and fame hungry. He isn’t a bad guy per se, but he doesn’t fully understand the consequences of his actions. Frank’s band isn’t so much about the music. It’s a way for this damaged individual to retain some measure of sanity (or at least to release his insanity). All of the other band members are there helping him. They realise that Frank is the center and they don’t try and disturb their orbit around him. But then Jon comes along, thinking that he can share the limelight and propel them to some measure of fame. This lunatic asylum is never meant to become famous.

And so Clara, who for so long seems like the meanest bitch in the universe, comes out really as the hero. All along she’s trying to protect Frank. She can see through Jon. She knows that he has stars in his eyes and that he has the potential to destroy them all.

One of the funniest scenes is when Frank decides to preview a new song he’s written. Under the influence of Jon, he decides to write his most ‘likeable song ever’. With a crazy dance beat and an ear-piercing falsetto he proceeds to sing a song about Coca-Cola, lipstick and kissing. Clara, in complete deadpan, tells Frank that yes indeed, it is his most likeable song ever. In other words, he’s completely sold out and has produced a bag of shite.

After the failed festival performance, Jon and Frank hole up in a motel. They get into an argument and Jon tries to rip his mask off. It’s further evidence of what a reprehensible person Jon is. The rest of the band are content to let Frank just be Frank. But Jon wants to see the ‘real’ Frank and selfishly tries to expose him in order to satisfy his own curiosity. Frank then runs out of the motel and gets run over, his mask shattering in the process.

We do eventually get to see Frank without his mask. He’s a completely broken person, his hair patchy and bald in places because of the mask rubbing against his head. He looks completely lost. But he comes to life at the end when Jon reunites him with his band.

Jon’s final shot at redemption is to take Frank to a hick bar where his old band is performing. Clara is warbling some terribly depressing tune but then Frank turns up. At first she doesn’t recognise him but then it dawns on her who he is. He begins to improvise a tune and Clara returns to her familiar place on the theremin. The band quickly get into the song and begin rocking out.

And the final song is actually really good. Frank sings about everything he loves and you can’t help but feel that this is a love song to his band. They’re his therapy, his meaning, his life. They’re all back together, the familiar pieces back in place. This is the way it should have been all along and it’s completely appropriate that Jon returns back to obscurity. But who knows what lies in store for Frank’s band. They’re not built for success but this last song is actually really good and completely heartfelt. The ending is actually really moving. Maybe they’ll have some success despite themselves.

The Dark Knight is an improvement on Batman Begins, but it’s not the giant leap that people would have you believe. It has too many flaws. The final sequence, for example, is a gigantic mess. Every attempt is made to ensure that it’s exciting, but the editing is all over the place and its not even clear what’s going on.

Then there’s Two-Face. What a horribly tedious creation he is. Basically his girlfriend gets killed and he goes a bit nuts and then he goes on a killing spree. Sounds kind of interesting, doesn’t it? It’s not. The stuff with Harvey Dent previous to this is enjoyable, but Two-Face himself sucks the life out of the movie. And that’s probably because it’s over too quickly. All Two-Face gets to do is whine, toss his little coin and then fall out of a building. It’s over in a flash and you’re left wondering why create this villain at all if you’re going to do so little with him.

And the make-up and CGI for his disfigured face is abysmal. The film goes to such lengths to create a realistic environment for these fantastical characters that the cartoony effects stick out like a sore thumb. I can remember reading somewhere that Nolan thought that a realistically scarred face would look too horrific, but he could have at least gone for something that didn’t look like it was on an anatomy page in Encarta. It's thoroughly distracting and completely out of place. Whenever he appeared I could only think 'Crap CGI. Crap CGI.' And I'm not quite sure why Nolan suddenly got squeamish about having realistic effects. So we can have a mobile phone stitched into a man's body and have it explode, and we can have people tortured, but he thinks that some realistic scarring would be too horrific? It's by far the biggest misstep.

A smaller distraction was Batman’s cowl. It has a very weird shape, like Bale’s head is the teat on the end of a condom, albeit it a black condom with bat ears. It’s nowhere near as good as Keaton’s costume in Batman Returns.

And like Keaton, Bale does that strange voice thing where it sounds like he’s been chugging gravel. But unlike some people, this didn’t distract me. How else is Batman supposed to talk? Is he supposed to talk in his normal Bruce Wayne voice? That would be awfully intimidating, wouldn’t it? And it would be a great way of hiding his identity. But although I find the Batman voice perfectly logical, there was once or twice where Bale suddenly started lisping. In these instances he became rather camp.

It’s mind-numbingly predictable to point to Heath Ledger’s performance as the highlight, but it’s most certainly true. His Joker makes Nicholson’s look like a slightly eccentric, rather cuddly uncle. Ledger blows him out of the water. The best thing about Ledger’s Joker is that there’s no reasoning with him. He just wants to play his games and have fun. However, he has a very strange sense of fun. Fun for him is playing with the Batman and turning Gotham’s citizens into criminals. He’s a guy that gets nothing out of money. Therefore it’s impossible to squeeze him.

The only problem with this is that it weakens Batman’s character. You go through the whole of Batman Begins to establish how strong he is and suddenly you castrate him. In this film he’s remarkably impotent. And I should also point out that the Joker is smart to a ridiculous degree. His plans are incredibly complicated and they all go off like clockwork.

But that being said, the character is still enormous fun. One of my favourite Joker moments has to be the pencil trick. And what about poor Brian the fake Batman? Not only does he get to star in his own video, but he also gets to smash into the Mayor’s window. Nice. But there’s also the bit where the Joker turns up as a nurse. I loved the smile he gave Two-Face. And I like the fact that Nolan makes the Joker reprehensible enough to blow up a hospital.

But this is child’s play compared to the Joker’s plan to blow up Harvey Dent and Rachel Dawes at the same time. He makes Batman choose which one to save and then Commissioner Gordon goes after the other one. Naturally, Batman goes after his old squeeze Rachel, but the Joker plays a trick on him and the location he’s given is Dent’s. So therefore just before Rachel dies she gets to hear that her beloved Bruce Wayne has ‘chosen’ to save Dent and that he’s forsaken her, making her last few moments on the planet extra miserable. And Dent gets to hear his love’s final few moments and gets to feel the guilt of being saved. You’ve got to admire how wonderfully twisted the Joker is and how easily he has everyone wrapped around his little finger.

But it’s also the small moments that make Ledger’s performance great. I like it when he arrives at Bruce Wayne’s party, looking for Harvey Dent. He begins interrogating the guests and grabs a bald guy by the head, asking him if he’s seen the DA. The guy doesn’t respond and the Joker widens his eyes and goes, ‘No.’ It’s a great bit of acting. And I also loved it when he sarcastically applauds Gordon’s promotion.

The rest of the cast don’t get to have anywhere near as much fun, but they all do a good job. Bale is solid as always, as is Caine, Freeman and Oldman, and Maggie Gyllenhaal is a massive improvement over Katie Holmes. But better than all of these is Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent. He’s cocky but believably decent as the incorruptible DA, and like Bruce Wayne you’re seduced by him. But while you feel that the film is building up to something special with his tragedy as Two-Face, it never happens. Suddenly the script lets Eckhart down and his fall provides zero emotion. There’s just not enough time invested in it. Plus all he goes on about is Rachel. 'My Rachel!' 'My Rachel!' Shut the fuck up.

Fortunately, though, there are many wonderful distractions to ensure that you don’t dwell too hard on this disappointment. The action, for instance, is superb. And once again Nolan excels with a wonderful car chase. The sequence where the Joker is trying to get his hands on Dent is marvelous. With its use of a juggernaut and other heavy vehicles, it reminded me of the chase at the end of T2. And I really dug the Batpod. And then there’s the opening bank heist. Nolan has said that he was inspired by Heat and it really does capture the same sort of feeling. It’s not quite as epic, but it’s a fantastic bit of cinema. Everything from the amazing stunt that opens the film to the school bus crashing through the bank works a treat.

However, my favourite bit in the whole film is a very small moment. Right after the Joker escapes from police custody we briefly see him hanging his body out of a squad car. There’s no sound and the music is no more than a hum, but it’s incredibly cinematic and says more about the character than almost anything else could. This is what makes the Joker’s life worth living; running rings around other people and playing games with them.

And Nolan must also be commended for some of the film’s subtext. The Joker’s videos kind of resemble the sorts of things Al Qaeda would make and the whole film asks how far would you go to try and re-establish control. Do you destroy everything you believe in just so that things can be the way they used to be? Of course this is the crisis that America faces where civil liberties are eroded in order to try and make the country ‘safer’. The Dark Knight just takes it to an extreme.

So while Nolan must be commended for the ambition of the project and for most of the film’s execution, it’s by no means the instant masterpiece it’s been touted as. Yes it’s the best Batman film that’s been made, but it’s not even close to being the best film of all time (IMDb Top 250 rot in hell).

World Trade Center is a film that hopes to gain importance simply by virtue of its subject matter. It thinks that because it’s about 9/11 people will immediately respond to it. And while it’s impossible not to be affected by certain aspects of the film, it really doesn’t deserve some of the emotion it generates. It’s a pretty cheap film – cheap in that while the magnificent United 93 presented a totally objective view of what happened on that plane, World Trade Center is always trying to pull strings.

The most objectionable element of World Trade Center is the portrayal of Marine Kames. We first see him sitting before a huge crucifix, where he tells someone that god has given him special gifts. Then we see him getting a haircut. In this scene he’s wild-eyed, like he’s enjoying the chaos that is unfolding. But later, after turning up at Ground Zero to help out, and after talking to a rescue working about all the dust, he says, “It’s as though God put up a screen of smoke to prevent us from seeing something we are not yet ready to see.” What now? If someone spoke to me like that, I’d think they were fucking insane. (By the way, wasn't it nice of god to give us this screen of smoke so that the rescue workers could get cancer and all other kinds of health-related problems a few years down the line. What a guy!) And then later on, when he finds the two trapped men, he allays their fears by telling them, in his best psycho GI Joe voice, that he won’t leave them: “We’re Marines; you are our mission”. Even when he’s helping people he can’t help but sound like a massive tool.

But most heinously of all, there’s a moment near the end when he phones his workplace and tells them he won’t be coming in. “We’re going to need some good men out there to avenge this.” And we then find out that the real person did two tours of Iraq. Erm, excuse me, but that’s the wrong country. And anyway, for a film that is supposed to be so apolitical it doesn’t send a particularly great message. Yeah, some wankers killed lots of people so let’s go into this country that had nothing to do with it and, despite the fact that the country is completely boned because some nutjob is running it, bone it even more. Who cares if a few thousand civilians get caught in the crossfire? Oh, wait…

Something else I wasn’t particularly keen on were the flashbacks the two trapped men experienced. Bathed in ethereal light, they played like sentimentalised bullshit. Yes I know we tend to take memories and make them better than they are, and I can well imagine that if you’re dying you’re going to sentimentalise them to an even greater extent, but it just doesn’t work in a cinematic context. I’m sure I would have responded more to these scenes if they were played and filmed more naturally.

Indeed, the most powerful scene for me by far was the scene where Cage’s wife talks to a black woman. The black lady says that her son operated the elevator in the Trade Center. She then says that the last time they spoke she’d shouted at her son for being late for dinner. She then breaks down. This scene is so much more powerful than all the rest because there’s no bullshit about it. There are no tricks; it doesn’t feel fake. Who cares about nutjob Marines praying to Jeebus for glorious vengeance? The real story that day was that a couple of thousand people got killed; people with friends and families. It’s the pain of those friends and families that matters.

But that leads me to one of the reasons why United 93 is so much more powerful than World Trade Center. In United 93 you watch the whole film knowing that the people on the screen are going to die. In World Trade Center, though, you watch the film knowing that the two guys are going to live. So one film takes the tragedy and confronts it head on and the other kind of brushes everything under the carpet. Yes the story in World Trade Center is worth telling, and yes the work of the rescue workers should be celebrated, but they deserve a better film than this, one that doesn’t pussyfoot around as much.

And I have to say, having seen a documentary about the men portrayed in this film, that their experiences were a lot more powerful there than they are here. There’s quite a bit of bad acting going on in this film (in a couple of instances Cage’s line delivery apes William Shatner’s) and curiously enough, there’s little drama (I have no idea how Stone did it, but he managed to drain all the life out of the situation). So the emotion that is generated when the two guys are found feels kind of undeserved. We’re caught up because we feel empathy for the real people – the filmmakers, though, have earned nothing.

The only person who really comes out of the film with any credit is Maggie Gyllenhaal. Her performance is probably the only one that feels like it could bear some relation to a real person. Her character is both strong and vulnerable, and she has the energy and life that everyone else is so sorely lacking. Plus she’s wonderful in the scene where she’s re-united with her husband. She plays the pregnant wife of one of the Port Authority policemen and they argue over what name they’re going to call their daughter – it has a spontaneity and warmth that isn’t present in many other scenes.

But despite everyone's best intentions, I have to say that the film as a whole is a failure. It says nothing about good and evil, and it doesn’t serve as a fitting tribute to the rescue workers or the people that died. It’s a saccharine, Hollywoodised view of 9/11, and we need that like we need a hole in the head.