The whole plot of Rocky IV could be put on the back of a potage stamp – Apollo dies; Rocky seeks revenge. Nothing else happens. None of the characters change. Well, aside from Apollo, but he only changes because he snuffs it. But despite the fact that the film is wafer thin and deeply dumb, I still can't help but love Rocky IV. It's so bad it's fucking brilliant.

One of the funniest things about Rocky IV is the fact that it's basically just one big music video – it should have been renamed Rocky: The Musical. Honestly, watch the film. Whenever a bit of character development is called for another music video kicks in. Oh, Apollo's dead? We'll have a music video of Rocky moodily driving his car (while not taking any notice of the road). Oh, Rocky's got to go to Russia? We'll have shots of Russian soldiers and we'll play some pop song about two worlds colliding ("Two worlds collide, rival nations."). Oh, we've got to contrast the two fighters' training methods? We'll have some thinly veiled gay porn where we see endless shots of ripped torsos and bulging muscles. It's absolutely brilliant.

But as much as I like the intense homoeroticism of the training (I dig Rocky's bear beard), the 'There's No Easy Way Out' video is probably my favourite. It's hilarious. As mentioned above, it involves Rocky driving about while not looking at the road (it's kind of like Miami Vice where Don Johnson would brood in his car while listening to Phil Collins). But more than that, it involves flashbacks from all the previous Rocky movies (it's blatantly obvious that the whole scene is a cheap time-filler). And because Apollo has just died, most of the flashbacks focus on Creed. Cue tons of homoerotic imagery: the two fighting, the two hugging in the surf in short shorts and the two dancing in front of a mirror while waxed within an inch of their lives. It's obvious that Rocky is pining for more than just a lost friend.

However, as much as it pains me to admit it, I have to say that Creed had it coming (his death, that is). He's cocky in his press conference, he calls Drago a ‘chump’, he dresses as Uncle Sam, he's backed by James Brown and he confuses the poor Russian with dancing girls and flashing lights. No wonder Drago kills him. He's over stimulated and he's appalled at the decadence of American society. He just has to destroy it. "You vill lose."

And I have to say that I love the way that the Russian characters are portrayed. First of all you've got Drago: he's a robot. Then you've got Drago's wife, played by Brigitte Nielsen: she looks like Drago's brother (I'm sure she's got a moustache in this film). Then you've got the zealous commie manager: he's manipulative, disingenuous and a whiner – there's one bit where he goes, "You are the aggressor!" and there's another bit when he storms out of a press conference after theatrically throwing his hand up and saying, "We go!" And then you've got the lovable peasants that Rocky helps out when he's training. You see, they're not all bad! Rocky proves that we were right not to nuke them.

But even Drago really isn't that bad a person. At the end he proves that he's merely a pawn of the degenerate, atheist commie scumbags that run the Soviet Union – he grabs his manager by the throat and lifts him in the air, saying that he just wants to fight. Like Rocky, he's just a warrior. But what future there is for a man who gets beaten by an Italian-American midget, I don't know.

And the fight itself is brilliantly ridiculous. Not only do both boxers take about a million punches to the head, but they also do a couple of wrestling moves. Oh, and there's one bit when Drago grabs Rocky by the throat and punches him in the face after the bell has rung. Magnificent.

Quite how Rocky remains lucid enough to make a grand speech at the end, though, is anyone's guess. But somehow he does and, man, what a speech. "Here were two guys killing each other. But I guess that's better than twenty million. What I'm trying to say is that if I can change and you can change; everybody can change." Crowd roars, Gorbachev look-a-like applauds, the Iron Curtain is torn down and the world is united by a punchy half-wit with a speech impediment. God bless America.

But there are a couple of other things I have to mention. The first is that Rocky running up a mountain and screaming "Drago!" is genius (I was ready to fight fifteen rounds myself after watching that). The second is that one of Apollo's nicknames is 'The Count of Monte Fisto' (who says the film is gay?). And the third is that as much as I love the film, the robot is absurd. There's one bit when it interrupts a serious scene (Apollo is telling Rocky that he's coming out of retirement). Suddenly it appears, playing music, and then, in a girl's voice (before it spoke in a robot voice), it tells Paulie that he's the greatest. Has Paulie reprogrammed it? Is he secretly good with computers? And what does he get up to with it behind closed doors? The mind boggles. But then, hilariously, after this moronic interlude, the serious scene continues as if nothing's happened. The film throws reality out of the window.

Having said that, though, who needs reality when you have Rocky IV? I mean, moaning about a robot seems churlish when you're watching Rocky Balboa single-handedly end the Cold War. I'm more than content to just sit back and laugh at the wonderful absurdity of it all.

If there's one thing America loves, it's a sequel. It's more American than apple pie and shooting up a church with an assault rifle. And so therefore, despite Apollo Creed's statement to Rocky in the first film that there wouldn't be a rematch, and contrary to Rocky's assertion that he didn't want one, you knew it had to happen.

Although, to be fair, Rocky does do his best to avoid getting back in the ring. He tries to capitalise on his fame and make some money through advertising. Cue some amusing scenes where the mumbling, illiterate Rocky tries and fails to read writing from dummy cards as he attempts to sell crappy 70s cologne that you know smells about as good as monkey piss. But I guess it doesn't help that Rocky has to do this while being berated by an effete, beret-wearing director and while dressed as a caveman. He looks like a gay Barney Rubble. "In the morning I splash it on and it makes me smeel manly." Even while being unable to read the word 'smell', Rocky knows he's spewing lies.

After this failure to crack the entertainment world, Rocky decides he can make it as an office worker...even though he has no qualifications, no experience and no brains that we know of. He just wants a job where he can sit down and no longer be pounded repeatedly in the face. It's not much to ask. But unfortunately Rocky gets turned down by every employer, who are no doubt not only horrified by Rocky's lack of credentials but by his hideous light blue suit as well.

After this, Rocky gets a job at a meat plant. It falls a long way short of Rocky's aspirations, but he needs the money, seeing as he's knocked up Adrian. You see how you've debased this great fighter, woman? He has to carry lumps of raw meat around to pay the mortgage and to provide for his family.

Although it has to be said that Adrian makes sacrifices, too - she has to go back to the pet store she worked at, seeing as fuckwit Rocky bought a house he couldn't really afford and they need to pay the mortgage. Times are hard.

But the early scenes where Rocky thinks he'll be living a life of plenty are hilarious. We see Rocky spending money on pure shit that he thinks is the dog's bollocks. He buys horrible gold watches, a hideous jacket with a tiger on the back, a dog collar that he puts around his wrist (you can almost see Adrian vomit in her mouth at the sight of it) and a car that he can't drive. And he then buys a house, mumbling like an idiot all the way through the showing. 'I like this mailbox. These numbers almost add up to nine. I like that. That's a good omen.' Ah, Rocky. You fucking imbecile.

But Rocky's also loveable. He asks Adrian to marry him while they visit the zoo. He proposes by asking whether she's doing anything for the next 30 or 40 years. Awww. And then when they get married, one of Rocky's pals asks him whether he wants to invest in condominiums. Rocky replies that he never uses them. (Get it?!?)

However, this condom-ignorance leads to Adrian's pregnancy. And what a world it was back in the 70s when men were men and they waited patiently outside at the doctors while their spouse was told whether they were knocked up. None of this being told together crap. None of this sharing malarkey. We're pregnant? No Adrian, you're pregnant. You're the one who's got something gestating inside you.

But the gender issues exhibited in the film are another source of hilarity. Adrian is appalled at the idea of Rocky getting back in the ring, so Rocky comes out with this nugget: 'I never asked you to stop being a woman, so please don't ask me to stop being a man.' Me man. Me club. Me beat. You woman. You wash dishes.

But what's up with these damn women? This Adrian bird tries to domesticate Rocky. She tries to protect him and she encourages him to get a decent job. But Rocky fails and makes a fool of himself. Damn Adrian has cut his nuts off! Not long ago Rocky was standing toe to toe with the champion of the world. The next thing you know he's collecting spit buckets. And worse than that, he's meant to be happy about it. But eventually Rocky breaks. He realises that he was meant to fight. That's what he does best.

But what about Apollo's motivation for getting back in the ring? Well, his problems are different. Thankfully he has a wife who, most of the time, shuts the fuck up and does what she's told, but unfortunately he has people berating him for his performance against Rocky. Even from people as far away as London. One person sends him the following letter: 'You call yourself the champ? You're a fake. The fight was a fake. Go kill yourself.' I don't know about you, but I personally think that's the best letter in the history of the world. In four pithy lines it says everything that needs to be said. There's not one wasted word.

Although, like Rocky, Apollo occasionally has to put up with the wisdom of the missus. She asks him why he can't just ignore it. She asks him why he doesn't just play with his children. Shut up woman! Don't you know what it's like to be a man? Why would you want to play Hungry Hungry Hippos with your kids when you could beat the shit out of another man for loads of money?

One of the funniest scenes in the film is right at the beginning. Apollo berates Rocky from a wheelchair at the hospital. Okay, it doesn't sound so great on paper. But when you consider the fact that every other word from Apollo's lips is 'chump', it suddenly achieves greatness.

But even at this early point in the film, Mickey knows the score. He knows Rocky needs to fight. But the road to Rocky's epiphany is mighty long. We even have to suffer through a pregnancy scare which saps Rocky's motivation. Rather than train he sits with his wife and reads poetry. And schmuck that I am, I found Rocky's reading rather sweet. Goddammit, the first film is a fairy tale and this one is a soap opera.

But eventually the inconsiderate Adrian wakes from her coma and tells Rocky to win. It's an incredibly hokey moment, but that's what Rocky is all about. Therefore, if you're anything like me, you end up grinning like a loon and almost start clapping in your seat.

Apparently, in order to beat Apollo, Rocky needs to get speed. But not just regular speed. He needs demon speed. That's the speed he needs. Greasy fast speed. And in order to do this he needs to chase a chicken (?!?). Cue Mickey berating him when he can't catch it and yelps of joy (with a chicken feather behind the trainer's ear no less) when he finally does. It's here that you can see reality floating away into the distance. But it's bliss.

I particularly enjoy the way that Rocky hammers scrap metal in order to train. Quite what the point of this is other than to look really cool, I'm not sure, but it works. And then rather than run anonymously through the streets like he used to, Rocky is now chased by loads of children. In order to impress them he hurdles benches and then sprints really fast, leaving everyone in his wake except for one fat blighter who manages to stay with him for a nanosecond. But being the nice bloke that he is, he lets them catch up for the shadow boxing at the top of the steps that lead to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Instead of a solitary moment of joy to celebrate a small personal achievement, it's now a collective celebration of a future asskicking.

The fight here is even further removed from reality than the first film. The boxers pummel each other constantly and there's no sign of them guarding or trying to defend themselves. But on the plus side, Apollo calls Rocky 'chump' after knocking him to the mat, so it's all good.

The silliest part of the fight is when Rocky and Apollo stand toe to toe in the final round and just tiredly begin punching each other in the face. One after the other they tiredly throw and land head shots, and yet they still take it. But then Rocky begins hitting Creed in the gut, so hard by the way, that he's almost lifted from his feet, and then finally the Italian Stallion floors the champion. However, Rocky goes down too. From here it's a race for both characters to get to their feet. It's something that I've never seen in boxing, and to be honest it stretches the final shred of credibility that the film has, but nevertheless it's a great moment when Rocky stands up and wins. It just goes to show that when you ignore the advice of your wife, you can achieve great things.

When you've spent so long watching the ridiculous (but glorious) excesses of Rocky III and Rocky IV, you kind of forget how down to earth the original film is. To be sure it can't exactly be called gritty, as it's something of a grown-up fairytale, but at least it has its feet somewhere near the real world.

The film starts with Rocky fighting in some fleapit. He doesn't really seem to give a shit. He's not trying. But then near the end, his opponent, the fabulously named Spider Rico, headbutts him. This gives him the eye of the tiger and he knocks the guy out. When he's motivated, Rocky has it in him to achieve great things.

But how do you summon that will when your life is so pitiful? Rocky lives in a nasty apartment ('It stinks!'), works as a small-time heavy for a local crook, trains at a shitty gym, walks the cold, miserable streets of Philadelphia and awkwardly tries to woo the shy Adrian at the local pet store. It's not much of an existence.

One of the best scenes is when Mickey comes crawling to Rocky at the Italian Stallion's apartment asking to train him. Previously Mickey has considered Rocky nothing more than a bum and has even thrown all his stuff out of his locker. But with the World Heavyweight Champion Apollo Creed picking Rocky as his next opponent in a gimmicky New Year's bout, Mickey tries to get a piece of the action. He spends lots of time selling himself, telling Rocky about his experiences years ago as a boxer – how his face got punctured with nails one time. He even shows Rocky pictures. But all the time Rocky can't even look at him, and when Mickey is showing him his photo, he plays darts. It's quite a cruel scene, although you can understand Rocky's anger. Like he says, he needed Mick's help ten years ago.

But the scene gets even crueller. As Mickey is talking, Rocky goes to the toilet. Mickey speaks to the door and mentions that he's 76-years-old. We realise that this is his last chance at a title fight. But with Rocky still in the toilet, Mickey goes to leave the apartment. But as he's doing so, apparently thinking he's already gone, Rocky emerges from the loo. However, seeing that Mickey is still there, he turns around and walks back in. It's a real punch in the balls and we finally see how vulnerable Mickey is. And then when Mickey is walking down the stairs Rocky rants and raves about how his apartment stinks. It's actually an excellent piece of acting from Stallone and it's the one time that Rocky acts like a bastard – even when he's trying to collect money as a heavy he's still pretty damn nice. But Rocky can't be mean for long and chases after Mick to presumably say sorry and ask him to be in his corner – filmed in a long shot, there's an excellent detail when Rocky finally catches up to the trainer; before Rocky embraces him, Mickey backs away like he's frightened. Despite how loud he is, he's still only a frail old man.

Another fabulous scene is the one at the ice rink. Yes it's goofy, but that's part of Rocky's charm. He's a loveable innocent, always talking and always dispensing incoherent advice. He even says that he and Adrian make a fine couple, what with him being dumb and her being shy – as Rocky puts it, they fill gaps; they make up for each other's shortcomings. And their scenes are always sweet and well performed – you believe in them.

There's only one scene where things turn a bit queasy and that's the scene where Rocky takes Adrian back to his place. Rocky shows off his muscles by stripping down to a wifebeater vest and Adrian mentions that she's never been alone in a man's apartment before. You kind of feel scared for the poor girl, what with this horny beefcake relentlessly coming onto her. The loveable Rocky suddenly seems a bit pushy and predatory. But eventually everything works out. However, in a later scene, the tables are turned. Rocky's training for his title fight and Adrian wants some sweet loving. She keeps on pestering the guy, determined to ruin his chances of performing well in his fight. I mean, as Mickey says, 'Women weaken legs.' Therefore Rocky has to briefly push her away – she can make up for her many cockless years after the fight.

The fight itself is what you'd expect from a Rocky film: enjoyable but silly. Sure it doesn't descend into the cartoon brutality of the later films, but you still have men pounding each other mercilessly for 15 rounds (boxers were real men in the 70s – none of this 12 rounds bullshit). But even though it can't compare to the fights in Raging Bull or subsequent boxing films, the ending is hard to beat. Rocky manages to stand toe to toe with the champion and not humiliate himself, and by refusing to stay down when he gets knocked to the floor in the 14th round he finally proves his self-worth. Yeah he doesn't win the fight but he regains his self-respect, which is a major victory in itself.

And the ending with Rocky and Adrian embracing, and with the image paused at the greatest moment of Rocky's life, sweeps you off your feet and puts a massive smile on your face. Yes the Rocky films would subsequently go off into la-la land and any notion of reality would be smashed in the face, but at that moment the love of a good woman and the restoration of a man's spirit is a bigger victory than winning a boxing title. Of course Rocky didn't deserve to triumph over Taxi Driver at the Oscars, but I don't begrudge him his victory too much. Rocky is an underdog tale that wins you over with hard work and good old-fashioned working class charm.