There are many ways to try and make yourself look younger. Some people slather themselves in Oil of Olay, while others are a little more drastic and go under the surgeon’s knife. But what if you lived in the 16th Century? With Boots absent in the local market and a sorrowful dearth of plastic surgeons, what options do you have available to you?...

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Oh, the various ups and downs I’ve experienced during the making of Cloud Atlas. Up: they’re adapting one of my favourite novels! Down: Oh shit, the Wachowskis are involved. I still haven’t forgiven them for The Matrix Reloaded and V For Vendetta. Up: Tom Twyker is also involved. Brilliant! Perfume: The Story of a Murderer was one of the great unsung films of...

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You know when you’re studying for a medical degree and you go off for the weekend to get hammered with some friends at their pad in a private lake in Louisiana, and then you meet some inbred locals, who are, like, ‘Fuck you, kids, and fuck you doubly hard black man because we’re racist pricks’. And you’re like, ‘Woah, that’s some fucked up...

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Sight and Sound 2012 Top 50 (#50 - joint) It’s interesting to note that the films on the top and bottom of the Sight and Sound Top 50 for 2012 are directly related. You have Vertigo at the summit, and, propping everything else up, is La jetée, a movie that is inspired by and which directly references the Hitchcock movie. It’s also worth...

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In my Melancholia review I stated that I have a pathological inability to give up on a film. However, I do have to admit that I gave up on a movie a few months ago. The film was The Girl Who Played With Fire. I don’t know why, but it almost put me in a coma and I had to stop halfway through....

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It would be an understatement to say that Lars von Trier polarises audiences. It seems that half the people think he’s a genius, while the other half think he’s a talentless idiot. I certainly belong to the former but Melancholia is a first for me - I experienced both ends of the von Trier spectrum in one movie. The first half is an...

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Michael Fassbender’s cock. I’m sure that’s why you’re reading this review. You’ve heard the rumours and the murmurs on the internet and just want to know if he really does have a big dick. Well, the answer to that is: yes, Fassbender is hung. Feel free now to go searching for a gif of his dick in all its glory. With the important...

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Giant flying sea turtles from space? Really? This is the film that is raking in all the cash; the film that has fan boys drooling over their flabby, donut-enhanced bellies - a film with flying sea turtles from space in it?!? I know this is hard to do, everyone, but sit back objectively and think about the last forty minutes of this film....

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Why do I keep allowing Woody Allen to do this to me? Time after time I allow myself to get suckered by good reviews and loose talk of a return to form. It’s like I never learnt anything from Match Point. Woody isn’t a complete spent force (I enjoyed some of Melinda and Melinda and Whatever Works raised a few simple chuckles), but...

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I still have nightmarish flashbacks to my last X-Men experience. I was unemployed and I decided to run some errands. In my foolish enthusiasm to get out of the house, I slammed the door shut without checking to see if I had my keys. I didn’t. In order to kill time before my wife came home, I decided to go and see X-Men...

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