Like a lot of Kubrick films, Eyes Wide Shut suffered because of raised expectations. Here you have a film with the world’s most famous director and the world’s most famous actor, and it’s all about sex. Therefore it must be an amazing two hour bonk-a-thon, right? But instead Kubrick delivered a quieter, more sombre film. It wasn’t the perverted fuck fest that everyone...

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When I first watched it as a teenager, I didn’t enjoy The Thing. I can't really recall what it was I didn't like about it, but I seem to remember finding it a little confusing and I can remember not being a fan of the special effects (some would consider that last statement heresy). But since then, I’ve come to like it a...

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Choppy, choppy your pee-pee - words that would strike fear into the heart of any man, but words that are made even more terrifying when the chopping comes from gnashers that are in some young girl’s cooter.I guess most teenagers are a little afraid of sex. You know, what with the weird organs, the smelly bodily fluids and the female fear of having...

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Beware the trees, the bushes, the blades of grass and the shrubbery for they shall wreak a terrible vengeance. Beware the wind, too, for it shall be the vegetation’s chariot and shall spread death all over the land.The Happening features many lingering shots of trees and bushes. It also has a high frequency of scenes where people run from gusts of wind. Thrilling...

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This is how subtle Death Wish 3 is: there's a bit where the stupid police chief stamps on a cockroach. That kind of says it all really. Why bother with laws, why bother with a constitution and why bother with a police force – they only get in the way. What you really need to keep the streets safe is a big gun…and...

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"The underprivileged are beating our goddamned brains out. You know what I say? Stick 'em in concentration camps. That's what I say." Ah, the wisdom of Death Wish.However, not everyone thinks that way. Paul Kersey certainly doesn't. At the start of Michael Winner's vigilante wet dream, Kersey is a 'bleeding heart liberal'. He even has sympathy for people who aren't fabulously wealthy. What...

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When I was at school, there was nothing more exciting than a fight. It was better than being picked for the school football team or getting an A in English. A surge of excitement would burst through the entire year group. It would be the only thing on everyone’s lips. The problem, though, back then, wasn’t trying to prevent an awful event from...

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After the mess that was The Phantom Menace, you’d be hard pressed to make a worse Star Wars film. But somehow George Lucas reached into his mangy beard and produced an even stinkier piece of shit. This film doesn’t even have the benefit of a couple of really good set pieces to make it somewhat watchable. You just have mind-numbingly tedious action followed...

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To me, one of the most terrifying things in the world is the fact that a lot of Americans vote for their President based on whether they would like to have a beer with them or not. That certainly wouldn’t be my criteria. I want to vote for someone who’s far smarter than me, who has poise, who’s an excellent orator and who...

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From the director of Bridget Jones’ Diary comes a film about terrorism. If you think that sounds like a recipe for cinematic gold then you must be demented.As you’d expect from someone who made such a wretched piece of fluff, the emotions here are laid on rather thick. This isn’t a film that knows a whole lot about subtlety. They might as well...

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I’m sure like many kids who grew up in the 80s I thought it would be neat to see Darth Vader before he turned evil. You know, how did he turn into such a gigantic bastard? And how did all the Jedi get wiped out? Yeah, I kind of wish I’d never found out.The biggest mistake in The Phantom Menace is the casting...

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Llewelyn Moss can hardly believe his luck. One moment he’s a penniless nobody living in a trailer, the next he’s a millionaire. Life couldn’t get much better.Unfortunately, though, good luck often has a price, and the price here is a psychopath by the name of Anton Chigurh. He’s the man who balances the accounts; the man who makes sure that good fortune doesn’t...

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I've seen You Only Live Twice countless times now, but the same question always pops in my head. How does a pudding bowl wig and a shave turn a burly six-foot Scotsman into a Japanese? And how come the indigenous population of the island he sneaks onto don't stand and stare at him? He doesn't look the slightest bit Asian – he looks...

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Personally, I find the idea of climbing a mountain about as appealing as repeatedly watching The Sound of Music for seven days. Both would leave me cold, dizzy and rather nauseous. But although I'm a lazy city-dweller that hates heights and who is far from physically robust, I can understand the appeal. To be able to scale such heights must fill an individual...

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