X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Saturday, May 02, 2009

This is what happens when you lock yourself out of your flat and you have to kill time before your wife can let you back in. You end up going to watch clag like X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

The first sign that this was going to be a massive failure comes in the opening scene. We see a sickly child witness the murder of his father. Enraged, the child suddenly grows claws and runs full speed at the killer and murderises him while screaming his head off. The dying man then reveals that he was in fact the kid’s father. Holy melodrama, Wolverine!

I felt a little out of place being the only person in the cinema laughing his head off at this ridiculous scene (screaming child with claws gutting his papi by running very fast at him), but then you have even more silliness. The title sequence sees Wolverine and his brother (both are mutants) fighting in various wars. They fight in the American Civil War, the First Word War, World War Two and Vietnam. And as if this isn’t ridiculous enough, his brother Sabretooth, during the D-Day landings, attacks a German gun emplacement by bounding on all fours like a panther and flying up a wall and shooting lots of Nazis. It’s some of the most retarded shit you’ve ever seen.

But then the whole character of Sabretooth is ruined by this running on all fours bullshit. There’s no way that it can look intimidating or cool. It makes him look like a baby that can’t walk properly. He’s more of a hairy infant with long fingernails than an animal.

And the character had me almost wailing with amusement at the end. You see, he betrays his brother and keeps on trying to kill him, but for the final sequence Wolverine has to fight some bald, no-mouthed, super mutant. And out of the blue pops Sabretooth. And he rescues his brother and states that no one is going to kill Wolverine but him. And they fight together as brothers. Come on, did a ten-year-old write this? The psycho who secretly loves his brother? It’s the kind of thing you’d expect to find in a cartoon when you’ve got to keep a conflict going for 268 episodes, not a feature film.

But the final super mutant had my mouth gaping. He was so awful I couldn’t even laugh. You see, a government bloke called William Stryker decides to create the ultimate freak. He takes pieces from every mutant and then fuses those elements into this indestructible whole. This super mutant has claws, he can teleport and he can shoot plasma bolts out of his eyes. However, he doesn’t have a mouth, so he can’t tell Stryker that he’s an annoying cocksucker.

But despite the fact that this freak of freaks is indestructible, Wolverine still manages to dispatch him, showing how utterly pointless this villain is. He has all these powers and yet he still gets his head cut off.

One of the most risible things about the film is the love story. Yeah the film begins with Wolverine killing his papi and fighting in lots of wars, but after this he lives an idyllic life chopping down trees, boning some hot teacher and brooding in his log cabin – which has a fantastic view of the Rockies. It’s so perfect, you know something horrible is going to happen.

A warning comes in the form of bad dreams. Wolverine is tortured, which leads to some gnarly scenes of a topless Hugh Jackman sweating while showing off his glistening muscles. If I weren’t a married man, I might be tempted to seek solace in his welcoming arms.

Unfortunately, though, he decides to pursue a sickly sweet relationship with a woman - a woman who, by the way, is unfeasibly hot for a teacher. Plus she seems remarkably understanding about the fact that her beau has claws and that he’s fought in the Civil War. But thankfully this is cleared up by the fact that the woman is secretly a mutant who can influence people by touching them (I hear her vagina is especially influential). Oh and she’s been working for Stryker so that he can get his hands on Wolverine. But even though her death is faked and Wolverine cries like a big girl in a Darth Vader stylee when he finds her body, she still loves him. She only betrayed him because Stryker has her sister held captive on some mutant Guantanamo Bay. Makes total sense, doesn’t it?

But I thought Wolverine was a hardass. Here he’s basically another softie who’s broken by his love for a girl. Wolverine crying at the sky? Please say it ain’t so. And his love for his woman gets him shot in the head and he loses all of his memories as a result. The moral of the story here: don’t let your cock do the thinking.

Most pathetic of all, though, is the moment when Wolverine says that his love for the mutant teacher was real. Dry your eyes, mate.

I haven’t even spoken yet about how bad the action sequences are. There’s a moment when a guy with swords cuts a bullet in half and the sections kill two black guys. And there’s a helicopter/motorcycle chase that was so dull that it had me checking my text messages. Maybe rather than watch this film, I should have just sat on the stoop in the pouring rain. At least I could have drowned in nature’s tears rather than Wolverine’s.

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  1. I'm willing to bet that you never locked yourself out again.